Saturday, July 7, 2012
Hotel Ice Buckets
Life offers you many lessons. Sometimes you end up getting a two-for-one special. Its called a gift...take it and say "thank you". Today I'm giving you a two-for-one special. I'm giving you two life lessons in one post. You're welcome. I'm going to tell you to Never, I repeat, NEVER, use an ice bucket at a hotel. I don't care if you have to make 50 trips with a red solo cup to get ice, you will thank me later. Until then* let me talk to you about the first lesson: "mocking is catching". Yeah, I heard my mother tell me millions of times, laugh at someone or something today and it will happen to you later. "Katherine Elizabeth, mocking is catching and you will regret laughing now when karma gets you later." Ummm, hey ma, I'm 11, really; you shit your pants and yet I'm the bad guy? How does this work? So I won't go into the gory details because they'll kill me, but; in a two week span my mother had an "incident" at work and ended up going home "sick" and throwing away her undies. My cousin, whom will remain unnamed b/c I'm not a fan of torture or death, laughed and ended up getting karma in the form of a giant turd in his/her undies a week later. My mother may or may not have put the "surprise" in a plastic baggie for my aunt. I'm not messed up b/c of life ya'll, I was RAISED to be dysfunctional. *Then, fast forward 17 years for lesson number two. I'm spending an entire kid-free weekend with my hubby, Mr. Driscfuntional and four of our closest friends from Seattle. Our friends, composed of two amazing couples, come to Chicago at least once per year and we try to spend at least one weekend with them. This particular time we are in Chicago staying in a hotel to booze and see a Cubs game in classic July heat. Friday evening I may or may not have been over served, read tequila and double fisting beers on an empty stomach. At one point I believe I had a beer bottle balancing on my head like I was a circus trick. Needless to say a quick cab ride back to the hotel led to me puking my guts out. At this point in time I've pushed two human beings out of my vagina and that causes damage soooo, every time I gag into the toilet I pee a little *. *Aka, piss myself. Mr. Driscfunctional checks on me, I tell him I'm fine and change into pajamas and pass the hell out. At 8 a.m. I am woken by the heartbeat my brain has decided to have and two idiots playing cash cab. My turn for a shower leads to me puking my guts out in between my legs as I sit on the toilet puking from the other end. An hour later I feel like a human being again and am sitting cross-legged putting on my makeup. As I'm applying the last stroke of mascara I feel a rumble and think a fart is a brewing...yes, Mr. Driscfunctional doesn't say I put the capital K in classy for nothing, so I lift my leg like all "classy broads" would and let er' go. However, this time, it feels different. It's warm and gooey. As our 4 guests and my husband laugh at my noise I say uh oh. Mr. Driscfunctional says, "what do you mean uh oh?" As I begin to stand up I ask him, do you remember how I've ALWAYS said I've never shit my pants and have no idea how anyone does? "Yes, OH GOD, you didn't!" Mr. Driscfuntional says. I say well I just did and stand up to reveal what looked like a disgusting, half-melted Hershey Kiss on the floor of the hotel. My best friend from Seattle (also hung over) begins to gag and the one couple run from the room in a mass panic. My best-friend's hubby grabs the ice bucket and covers my "nugget" and runs from the room apologizing. The room is vacated faster than the last day of school when the bell rings. I jump in the shower for the second time of the day and Mr. Driscfunctional peeks in the bathroom to ask what jeans I want him to get for me since I've officially ruined my only pair of shorts I brought. Real funny asshole! I only brought two pairs of jeans and the one pair I pissed in last night when I puked, so get me the only clean ones I have. I have a way with words and can make anyone feel like they are the one's who did something wrong when in all honesty its me. So Mr. Driscfunctional brought me my only other pair of clean jeans and kindly left me alone to get dressed and mentally prep myself for the 90-something day in the Cubs bleachers, which I handled like a champ I might add. A champ who shit her pants, but a champ none-the-less. With this said I leave you with this my friend, never laugh at anyone for something you would want to do yourself, because apparently, mocking is catching and never, I repeat NEVER use the ice bucket at the hotel.